Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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