i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
