She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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