Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
