I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
