i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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