Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
