just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
