Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
