idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
