It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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