Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
