fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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