Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
