dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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