Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
