I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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