Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
