Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
