In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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