It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
