On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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