Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
