I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
third nipple confirmed
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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