I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
