Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
