I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
