so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
