She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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