I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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