i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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