You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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