upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
