a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
