This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
