I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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