I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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