Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
