If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
