i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
