I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
