if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
