I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
