how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
