based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
