first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
