Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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