It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
