Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
