we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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